Flow? Are you there?

Alright. We're ready to go. Let's start this Insemination Party! The first step is to get my period. Only, it's not here. It should have been here. No, I'm not pregnant - three tests made that glaringly clear. So what's the deal? I haven't wanted Old Flow around for a year and a half and NOW she decides to play games? ACRM called to find out when I started so we could start tracking. I'm supposed to start taking Clomid on days 5-9 to sprout some extra eggs, but see, I can't start taking it until I get my period! I've waited too long to sit in a holding pattern right now. People at work are beginning to give me strange looks. Perhaps it's because I keep running to the bathroom to check. Talk about 6th grade flashback! (refer to Ode to Menstruation for more details). Just a few minutes ago my boss made me laugh so hard I felt a little trickle of something down there and got up and ran to the bathroom.

No Flow, just a little pee.

Men: Gotta love 'em

Based on some questions B asked the doctor at our big appointment, I was seriously doubting his understanding of how babies are made. I think his sex ed teacher said the word boobies and B tuned out the rest of the semester. I was getting pretty riled up about it until I went nextdoor, to the home of my little boyfriend. Boyfriend's parents are absolutely hilarious, and they are so reassuring about this whole process because they've been through it. I took my folder of graphs, charts over to them with my list of questions and they took one look at it and laughed. So we were off to a good start. As we were talking I told them my concerns about B's lack of understanding of reproduction and they told me the following fantastic story:

Friends of theirs had just started trying to get pregnant. One night the wife called down from the top of the stairs, "Honey, I'm ovulating!" to which the husband replied, "So we're pregnant?"

or how about this one:

When I heard this, I almost peed myself. A friend of friend has a baby who is over a year old. She had finished her period one morning and her husband propositioned her that evening. She asked, "what are you doing?" and he responded, "trying to get you knocked up."
umm just a little late...

That pretty much put it all into perspective :)

Earth to B

Later in the evening of our first appointment with ACRM, B called me after speaking with a friend of his who recently had twins as a result of IUI treatments.

B: Laura said we should start having sex on the 10th day of your cycle and then every other day afterwards
Me: Are you serious?
B: Yeah, that's what we were doing wrong! (he sounded like he found gold in the backyard, no joke)
Me: No, are you seriously that clueless? What do you think we've been doing for the past 14 months???????? Do you not recall every month when I bring out the calendar and tell you what days to make sure you're not working too late?
B: Oh, that's what you were doing
Me: What did you think? That you won the sex lottery?
B: I chose not to question it.

The Surreal World of Fertilty Treatments

Our test results are in and everything looks good. Yay! But I'm still not pregnant. Boo! We were referred to a fertility specialist, Atlanta Center for Reproductive Medicine (ACRM). This was pretty tough to swallow, but after a good long talk with B, a pep talk with my BFF and three very good and diiirty vodka martinis I was feeling better about the whole situation. After a year of "be patient" and "don't stress" I was anxious for someone to figure out the problem and solve it already.

Our first appointment was literally two days after I called, which was a good thing because I didn't have time to overanalyze all the emotions running rampant inside me. The night before the appointment B and I were filling out the 15 pages of paperwork and we started talking about adoption. If it came to that, where would we shop for a kid? After much debate we decided we'd get a kid from Asia because being Jewish, soy sauce runs in our blood.

We got to our appointment promptly at 8am where we were handed yet another stack of forms to fill out. The office was packed. Every seat was taken with good looking, young couples. I was surprised. I expected a dark, dungeon where they stick all the fertility-challenged folks, but the office was well lit, nicely decorated and every single couple was beautiful. It was like walking into a JCrew catalogue. B and I definitely didn't fit in. Just as I was thinking this, B took the opportunity to point it out by saying quite loudly, "Where are the other ugly couples?" har har. The more women I saw coming in and out of the exam rooms, and filling seats in the waiting room the more comforted I was. I wanted to shout out, "There are others like us! We women can do this together! Your shoes are fabulous!"

Soon we were sitting in the doctor's office looking at various charts and graphs while the Dr went on and on about percentages and other stuff we didn't understand. What I still can't grasp is that I have "unexplained infertility." WTF is that? After all the testing and waiting and researching, the diagnosis is "Beats Me." How do we work with that? We were also told we have a 6% chance of conceiving on our own. B did not believe the Dr and told him so. B then diagnosed us with not having sex every minute of every day and thus not getting pregnant. The Dr explained that every male who comes into the office says the same thing, but that is not the case. B continued to disagree. I guess sometime in the last 8 years we've been together B acquired a medical license without my knowledge. It was embarassing. They finally came to an understanding but I know B still thinks he's right.

We decided to try insemination. This entails my getting bloodwork every week, ultrasounds, taking a medicine that's notorious for making women crazy (because I need anymore of that), and finally another catheter shoved up my hooha full of B's junk. Sign me up!