You Want Me To Do WHAT

I know, I know! I haven’t posted something new in awhile. I have to admit, the nagging from my faithful followers made me feel loved! And then the nagging turned annoying so here you go – a new post! It’s been harder to write these last few weeks. I had a wide range of emotions I couldn’t quite get a grasp on. The High Holidays just ended and I didn’t realize how emotional I would be at this time of year. Secretly, I had hoped that I would be pregnant and starting off the new year with a new little member of our family. Of course, while people-watching in synagogue it seemed that every young woman was pregnant. (And wearing heels which I totally don’t get because I bitch about wearing heels now and I always thought being pregnant was a great excuse to wear comfy shoes regardless of the occasion. DAMN!)

My mother-in-law was recently in town which is always nice because she’s the Energizer Bunny doing Stand-Up. You’re never bored when she’s around. I love my mother-in-law and am blessed to have someone so warm and full of love in my life. That being said, sometimes she says things that come out in the absolute worst way. For example, My Little Boyfriend Jack was baptized the weekend MIL was in town and I asked MIL if she wanted to pop next door to the open house and drop off a gift. She declined, saying it was too painful for her to see other people with their grandchildren. OUCH! Not much I could say to that. I know she didn’t mean for it to come out that way, but it’s a sensitive subject! I swear we’re trying!

Since the status of the womb is still empty, it’s time to start looking into other advice we’ve been given. This brings me to Taking Charge of Your Fertility. Several friends and friends-of-friends swear by this book. Naturally, I was thrilled when my public library emailed that it was waiting for me. I brought it home, made some tea and sat down to read the secret to getting pregnant. Instead, I found out about a method called Charting. I thought I was already doing that by keeping track of menstruation and ovulation days. Uh-WRONG! Charting is a whole other ballgame and the more I read the more I decided to stay on the bench. Basically, I’m supposed to PLAY with my discharge and describe it. I’M NOT MAKING THIS UP! They even give examples (this may be a good time to put down that snack and prepare to squirm) like: sticky, crumbly (ewww), opaque and slippery, no stretch. ICK! People really do this? Look, I’ll admit to having discharge, but I REFUSE to play with it!

Grossed out, (yes, I realize I’m immature) I skipped a few pages and found a nice, color photo of someone playing with their cervical fluid! The only reason I knew it wasn’t just a slimy booger was because it was labeled in big, bold type CERVICAL FLUID. There’s a reason I didn’t go to medical school. Because inside stuff is gross. Why do you think doctors get paid so much? Because they have to LOOK and TOUCH the nasty gunk we’ve got going on down there. I realize that the Charting Faithful are going to slam me for my obvious misunderstanding of the wonders of this method. I say, if the authors of this book wanted to me read the whole thing and actually follow it, they should have put the “interactive” section at the back and included a shot glass with some tequila because I’m done. No way am I playing Science Lab in my undies.