Spank It, Baby!

B had his Spank-It test the other day. He was downright giddy that morning because he got to go into work late to choke the chicken. Prior to the test, we had a full house for Sedar, and some of our friends in attendance had done through the same fertility testing. The women cringed at my mention of having the HSG test so there was no need to give them a recap. The men, however, all got that teenage gleam in their eyes when talking about the Hand Jive. Then came the stories...

I have to say, the best parts about this whole conversation is a) that it occured during SEDAR and b)how serious the guys were about making sure B got the the highest possible count. As he drained another glass of wine (what? the haggadah tells us to!), he was reminded to abstain from alcohol, stay away from jaccuzis and not blow the load until after the test. Of course the house was absolutely silent at the precise moment C said, "and you can't use any lube - not even spit!" The look on his pregnant wife's face - priceless.

I was surprised that B's lab didn't go over all of this with him when he made his appointment. By the way, this insurance-covered lab only does this test once a week only in one location within an hour of us. WTF? According to B, the only instruction they gave him (repeatedly) was to make sure he brought in his own material. This sparked an even better round of conversation while refilling wine glasses in the kitchen.

One friend told us that when he got into The Room, the nurse gave him a binder of porn to choose from. He politely thanked her and waited for her to leave. She didn't. As she continued to stand over his shoulder, he tentatively opened the Porn Book and began to flip through the varied selection kept safely in plastic sleeves. He noticed that the nurse wasn't leaving. He also noticed that several plastic sheets held driver's licenses instead of pornos. He looked up at the nurse trying to configure his question, when she instructed him to make his selection and place his driver's license in the sleeve. He'd get it back when he returned the magazine. Really? They have such rampant porn theft that they have to take these measures to avoid replacing $5 copies of Butts n' Boobs? Could you imagine flipping through the pages and seeing, "Oh, Steve's here." "So is John!" Ick.

Another friend told us his room had a big cabinet o' porn. When he opened it he saw stacks of VHS tapes with COPIED porn! Do you all remember how we copied video on the VCR? You had to let the tape play out all the way! Some poor receptionist had to watch many versions of Brazilian Fire Women (actual title).

I was kind of disappointed when B's appointment was uneventful. Aside from being sent to a regular bathroom (so the insurance-covered lab ten minutes away doesn't have one of those?) he did the deed and went to work. Not a bad day.