ClearBlue Easy - Kiss My Ass

So apparently, the “livin’-on-the-edge-we’ll-have-fun-sex method isn’t working. Who are these people who get pregnant “by accident?” because now that I’m trying to get pregnant everything I read tells me there are only TWO DAYS a month you can get pregnant. How did I not know this all these years? You mean to tell me that obsessively worrying that there was a minute hole in the condom and waking up at 6am EVEN ON THE WEEKENDS to take my birth control pill at exactly the same time was all for nothing? I think it’s a conspiracy out there and it starts the first awkward day of sex ed. Girls are told that we could get pregnant at any time! Be afraid! Run from cum!!! Then you start trying to get pregnant and start a family and the truth comes out. There are only two days a month for it to count and odds are you were passed out drunk or bloated from the great Mexican place down the street and you missed your chance.

Finally, I succumbed and bought a Digital Ovulation Test at my local Target. My sister-in-law told me to. She is pregnant (I’m actually too excited for her to be jealous. Really. I swear.) and thus she is the expert on all things pregnancy. Of course, her being a doctor means shit at this point. The fact is she’s pregnant so she must know what she’s talking about. She suggested I buy a Digital Ovulation Test to know the most “potent” days to have sex. Her words not mine. (Very doctory, don’t you think?) I have been waiting for weeks to use this thing. My neighbor told me to count ten days from the start of my period and the tenth day will be THE DAY to get it on. Last night I stayed up late reading the instructions, totally captivated like it was People magazine. I got up this morning ready to conduct my first test and… I literally couldn’t hold in the pee long enough to get the Applicator into the fancy Test Holder. Actually, I couldn’t get the Applicator out of the industrial strength wrapping fast enough to take it out and insert it into the Test Holder. Damn! The instructions say “It is important that you have not urinated for at least 4 hours before testing.” WTF? How the hell am I supposed to hold my pee for another four hours? Do they think I’m going to have camel babies? Does anyone know a woman who can hold their pee for four hours? If so, answer me this: If women could hold it that long why are there women’s bathrooms at any stadium or arena? Because I promise you, if we could hold it there, we would!

I’ve run a bunch of errands and by the time I get home the coffee and diet coke have completely settled into my bladder and want out immediately. It’s all I can do to get in the house, turn off the alarm and let the dogs out before racing to the nearest bathroom. I’m about to feel sweet relief when I remember the Digital Ovulation Test upstairs and do a legs-crossed-waddle-run up to the master bathroom. I’m starting to panic and sweat is dripping down the spine of my back. Must hold it a little longer, must hold it a little longer. I tear away the ridiculous packaging, shove the Applicator into the Test Holder pee on the stick for 7 seconds (ahhhh) and check to see that I hit the stick. Instead of the blinking image of the test holder, I see a picture of an open book blinking at me. Shit! I hurriedly check the glossary on the instructions (yes, this is a bad sign. Any instructions involving pee should not require a glossary) and see that it’s an error message. At this point, I’m bouncing up and down on the toilet, shaking from side to side, trying to hold in my precious urine so I can see if Bryan needs to come home for a Nooner and I’m told to refer to Error Message 16. A flashing (Error A) symbol has appeared on the Display. (NO SHIT!) What does this mean? Use Question 17. Question 17 is equally helpful so I look back at the glossary and see the following, “Error symbols will display for approximately 8 minutes. Do not re-test until the error symbols have cleared.” Is this a fucking joke? At this moment the flood gates open and I pee to my heart’s content.

Who in their right mind would make a pee-on-a stick test that makes you hold it for FOUR HOURS and then another 8 minutes for a freakin’ error symbol to disappear? Let me get this straight. This is a test that uses pee-pee to detect if your hormone level has spiked high enough to indicate that you are fertile and ready for some baby makin’ lovin and there is no RESET button? No other way to make the stupid book icon disappear in less than 8 minutes? I can order and eat a burrito in less than 8 minutes. My dogs can eat a shoe in less than 8 minutes. I’m stymied. And the best part is – my husband could be on his way home for a quickie and I literally pissed it away.